the one where oliver twist serves as a metaphor

sometimes i just don't want to write on here at all, but today was that kind of tipping-point day where i finally reached the point where a blog post is close to necessary!

the title doesn't imply what this entry is about. here come the groans, eye rolls, yawns: this is about my attitude toward raising support.

 make no mistake, i still very much dislike asking for support. a friend's mom wrote me a sweet note, and it helped me word and clarify some of my feelings.

if nothing else, support-raising is humbling. crazy humbling.

it's like that scence from oliver twist where he, a skinny orphan, goes up to the worker who's serving them with an empty bowl and says, "please sir, i want some more."

the worker, in the scene, responds with a loud shriek: "MOOOORE!?!" it's unnatural, rude, even, that this boy dare ask for more than was given him.

and maybe this is my view on the matter. how rude and irresponsible of me to ask others to essentially pay my salary for a year while i get to go on the big adventure...to pay for my food, my transportation, my SCHOOL LOANS! (let it be known that at first i thought it might be irresponsible to me to ask for others to help pay for my student loans. but, this is what God's called me to do right now, and i have no choice but to live on what others give me. it's irresponsible of me to try to get out of what God's doing!)

but the reality is, God's calling me to Czech right now. it's worked out, it's happening. when i give to others, i do it joyfully. why do i think others won't give joyfully to me? why do i think God's body doesn't want to help support what God's called me to do? why do i think that God's people don't want to be involved with how God's changing Czech?

support-raising is humbling, but in my humility i'm honoring God and allowing his people to serve me and him and to glorify God.

support-raising is overwhelming. this morning i sat down and cried realizing that maybe tessa and i are really going to have to pinch some pennies this year. and then this afternoon i was overwhelmed and humbled in a different way when a friend told me she was going to forgo favors at her wedding in order to help support me.

every time a negative feeling about finances floods me, God faithfully overwhelms me with his goodness.

 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:30-34

a cynic's prayer

how does a cynic pray? as a recovering cynic, let me show you:

if you've read my blog, or we've communicated in some way recently, you most likely know our most urgent prayer request (at this time) is that our visas would be processed and returned to us before we're supposed to leave on July 30th. it's not like this request isn't feasible. it totally is.

the thing is, a couple days ago we received an email letting us know that an American couple trying to get their Czech visas right now have run into trouble and may not get theirs in the allotted time.

here are the steps of my thoughts in my immediate response to this news:
1. pray that God would grant us our visas in time
2. anxiety hits...i try to think of a plan B in case our visas aren't returned
3. realize that if i'm coming up with a plan B then I'm not really trusting God to take care of this
4. hesitate to pray any more about the matter because what if God doesn't grant our request?

so there's the cynic. in this book i'm reading, "A Praying Life" (totally recommend it!), he talks about how our cynicism keeps us from praying - because we don't fully believe God will answer a prayer, we guard ourselves from getting angry at him by not even praying for it.

what a messed up theology. especially because God has provided so much for this trip. He's provided almost all of our support, and I think he'll provide us with the perfect amount. this whole thing came together perfectly after years of prayer that i would move to Czech.

but, God has allowed me to see how wrong my thought process has been and is granting me repentance. but please pray for not just our visas, but for my cynical heart. pray that i would honestly trust him and come to him with the attitude of "Lord, help me."



i'm adding an edit...God wants the consistent, persistent of his people. the more prayers the better. so please pray with us for these visas when you think about it. God will certainly answer our plea.

grace

work has been dragging even more for me lately. i don't know what it is... mrs. m said it's "moving-away-itis." honestly i think i consider myself "too good" for my job sometimes. though lately it has just been real frustration with my student.

i get in these moods where i'm so ticked off with him it's hard to move away from it, and especially hard to pray through it. i'm annoyed/frustrated/upset, and i just want to stay that way. i don't even want to be happy or focus on God's grace to me, i want to focus on my negative emotion. the only thing i can do in that moment is ask others to pray for me because i can't/won't do it myself, and pray for myself after those times.

i also realized how beautiful it is when we share our crap with each other. i compare myself to others always, and it makes it that much easier when i realize how we all sin and are all covered by grace. not saying that my sins/junk are ok, but it's also good to share it with others and help build up one another. it's not easy to admit my faults.

but...there is enough grace in Christ to cover you when you forget about grace. there is enough grace in Christ to cover you when you remember about grace and don't care.

update!

lots of excitement brewing recently (starts out boring, but i promise it gets better!)...

!! at work i've spent lots of time on my student's ipad working on making categories of different things so he can speak it...i'd love to see him order his own food at his favorite restaurants and then count out the amount of money he needs afterwards (and he'll get there)!
today's ipad highlight: uploading a picture of a worm under the "insects" category. why wouldn't they have "worm" when they have buttons for sarah palin and tom cruise?

!! currents:
book___a praying life/the forgotten God/because he loves me/jeremiah (the message)
song___soon by hillsong

!! plane tickets have been obtained! we're leaving the evening of july 30th, then a long-enough-layover in germany (frankfurt i think - can't believe i forgot already) that we hope to spend a little time roaming, and arrive in prague on the 31st. then we'd like to do the last term of english camps, but we shall see.

Czech visa application

!! OUR VISA APPLICATIONS ARE IN THE MAIL! this is a huge step for us. we've been going back and forth with Harrel (our employer) and Dasa (our czech liaison) for several months with questions, more questions, signatures, scanned copies, translations, and more questions. finally we think we have everything figured out. this is a huge burden that has been lifted...it caused much stress!



highlights from the visa process: oh wait, there are none.



!! financial support: together, tessa and i are at about 65%, but that's just money that's been given, not pledged. if you do plan to give (one time or monthly) but haven't been able to yet, please let us know so we can calculate this all in.

!! PRAYER!!
visas___so, our visas are in the mail. that's a big deal, but - there's a 3-4 month processing period. our plane tickets are acquired to have us leaving in 3 1/2 months. we're praying that they only take 3, but PRAY with us! there will also probably be some go-between with us and the embassy if we don't have everything done correctly. pray that all goes smoothly.

my car___my car has been my thorn in my side for several years. if i wasn't moving in july i would've traded it in last september. recently there have been some more problems that have been fixed (after tears on my part). i'm thankful for God's blessing of my parent's support for me through this. pray that it doesn't leave me sit again!

finances___such a huge hurdle of trust for me. sometimes it's so easy for me to trust God to provide our finances, and other times it's really easy for me to forget his faithfulness and start worrying. i'm so thankful for all of you who have given and who support me in your prayers. pray that God would grant me faith the size of a mustard seed.

finishing well___the school year is coming to a close and i have senioritis, or whatever the teacher's version of it is. change is on the horizon, and i want it to be here now. have i no patience? i'm also trying to spend time with as many people as i can before i leave, and it's sobering that i'm already saying goodbyes to some friends and family.

the triune God___i'm praying for us, the body of believers, to be encouraging and uplifting to one another. i'm thankful for seeing lives made new and the expectational hope of eternity with Christ. i couldn't live without that hope.

my twelfth birthday is one that i remember. i'm pretty sure i could even tell you what outfit i was wearing. my hair was in a pony tail, as it was always was at that point. i guess pulling it away from my face did make it look less messy, though from the front my frizzy bangs just made me look like a boy with a bowl cut.

it was a sunday. i don't know what we had to eat, but i'd assume that mom made me a chocolate cake with peanut butter icing, as was the tradition.

what sticks out about this birthday wasn't at all a special celebration - i don't think i'd had one of them since about the age of 6. what did stick out was my complete selfishness and hastiness to verbalize it.

we had a visitor. i remember what he looks like, and i think i can recall his name. we'll call him Joe. maybe he stayed overnight, or maybe he just came Sunday morning, but he came to church with us. at church after the service, my dad told me that Joe was gonna come home and spend the evening with us.

my response? WHINING. things like, "it's my birthday, why is he coming?" and, "I don't want him to!"

i don't think Joe heard me - i hope he didn't hear me - but it wouldn't have taken much to tell that i was annoyed.

whining never got me my way, and of course Joe still came over. but on the way he stopped at a store and picked me up a movie - "Lion King 1 1/2."

and then i was ok with it. how immature of me.


thirteen years later and i hope i wouldn't do that this year. of course i've matured. but reading back to my time of interning 4 years ago i was almost shocked at my me-mentality! don't get me wrong, i'm still selfish, but i got annoyed at my words - how all that seemed to matter was my feelings and emotions, not about what God was doing in my life.

what i realize now is that no matter where i am emotionally, whether i feel his presence or feel he's abandoned me; whether i'm happy or sad; annoyed or excited; needy or stable - He is still God. i may not always experience those emotional highs that missions trips can grant, but even after a moment of passion is lost, God still showers me with his grace.

what i realize now is that i may experience a low a lot of the time, but instead of getting all "woe is me" about it and spreading it around my blog or facebook, it's more important that Christ points himself to me and reminds me of how he's changed and saved me and is still actively presenting his truths to me.

thank you, God, for rescuing this sinner and opening my eyes to your grace in my life.

what i am looking forward to

since i posted about what i'm not looking forward to about czech, i think it's just as necessary to express what i AM looking forward to, though i'm not sure just one post would do it justice.

first of all, and this really goes without saying, i am beyond excited to be with my friends. some of these people i've known for 8 years! others i met this past summer. here are some faces:

2004 - first English camp: friends from Pardubice

Girls from Bohumin in 2008

__________________

i also can't wait to have a good public transportation system. it's not necessary for us to have a car, because trains, buses, trams, and subways can get us anywhere! one of my favorite things to do is to stick my head out of a train window. not quite like these guys to my right, but i love that feeling of being in czech and having the freedom of looking out at the fields while the wind knocks the air out of me.

              __________________

most certainly the food. czech breakfast is one of my favorites - it's usually meat and cheese on a rolik (fresh roll) with fruit and veggies. and tea or coffee. yum. i also love the Czech national food: svickova (sveech-koe-va) - dumplings with beef tips and a special sauce, topped with cream and cranberry sauce. another favorite is mednovik, a Czech honey cake. tessa and i tried making it once, and it wasn't nearly as heavenly as it should have been.

Svickova

Medovnik

__________________

then of course, there are things that i can't post a picture for. i've always wanted to go into ministry, and i'll be able to minister while teaching - something else i love. i love that this trip is so purposeful, and my whole intention in being there is to gain and build friendships and be Christ to people.

i'm excited to be "starting over" - to not be held back by traditions, and in general to have more time. not being held back by obligations. can't wait.

trust in a meager form.

this whole week i haven't been setting my alarm clock. i've been attempting to trust God to wake me up when i need to wake up. it's been really hard: on monday i woke up at 7 (my usual time), but my head and heavy eyes right away returned to the pillow. i woke up almost an hour later, but still made it to work on time. God had provided the opportunity to wake up at the right time and i didn't take it. the last couple nights i've been waking up every couple hours afraid that i overslept. and yet i haven't at all. if anything i've had more time to get ready and spent with God in the mornings.

last night i was listening to this amazing sermon/seminar about how Elijah was being hunted by Jezebel. in the meantime i was wrestling with myself, wondering if i could trust God to wake me up in the morning...these stories aren't quite parallel. imagine God providing for Elijah while he's being chased by a wicked murderer, and i can't believe that he'll wake me up in time.

this has been my small lesson in trust. my head is spinning (maybe from my coffee SEVEN hours ago? seriously, in college i could drink caffeine at any time of the day and still fall asleep within an hour) and it's past midnight. i'm wrestling with myself wondering if God will wake me up if i don't get as much sleep as usual. but that's not really what i'm thinking...the truth is i'm not trusting God at all and i'm afraid i could oversleep tomorrow.



there was a recent incident where i began second-guessing if i'm good at my job, and whether certain individuals had no or little respect for me. thankfully, the aforementioned sermon and the wonderful book "Because He Loves Me" (which have both been prevelant in my life recently) preach the gospel and who our identity is found in. what a blessing that my identity isn't found in what others think or how well i perform or i feel terrible about myself. Jesus took that stuff. my identity is found in the one who took that from me so that i could be his.

but so much easier said than applied. this situation is what's currently swirling around in my head, and has been every spare second i've had today. i don't know what i'd do without the hope of Christ.