dare i question God?

my newest thought is wondering why God created us when everything in this world is awful. i know what the answers to this are, that's not what i'm questioning. but in the end those who love him and are faithful to him are just gonna be with him, so why couldn't he just have made us to be with him without having to live on earth where people kill each other and hate each other?

and is it even ok to question God?

and tessa, don't worry. i'm not questioning God's character, but i have to ask this.

vanity of vanities...

ecclesiastes 1:2

"Vanity of vanities," says the Preacher, "Vanity of vanities! All is vanity."

Marnost nad marnostmi, řekl kazatel, marnost nad marnostmi, a všecko marnost.

(just pointing out that the english language has about 30 different translations to choose this verse from, and czech has one.)

this verse has been resonating in my head lately. it's sad, but it's hopeful.

everything here on earth is utterly meaningless. there is no worth to anything...but for Christ.

Christ.

that's where the motivation, the meaningfulness, the hope, comes in.

i've been getting annoyed lately at my habits; that is, that i'm not helping others or building relationships with others. every tv show i watch, every time i stalk someone on facebook, every time i listen to a radio program about politics, it's meaningless. because it doesn't advance the kingdom of Christ, and that is my purpose...to love God and to love others. everything else is vanity. and it sucks!

these annoying conversations that we (or mostly others) have about politics - why don't we talk about how to help others and love on them?

or talking about our financial woes when we are called to give EVERYTHING.

ugh, the hopelessness. if we as Christians (especially me...i've been understanding how hypocritical i am lately) can't get it right, who can?

but the hope: Christ. i pray that we'll all be filled with the Spirit and that all we do and say brings Him glory and praise.

lessons learned from special ed

i don't actually think i should write this post right now because i haven't thought everything over as much as i like to do, but i want to get something out there because i've been humbled these last couple weeks.

i've been working one-on-one with a downs syndrome student in a special needs/life skills classroom. and these students are something else. i never thought i'd be in a special ed classroom, it's not really my thing. but every day is an adventure, and every day is hilarious, and every day those ten kids make my day full of sunshine.

see these kids are all different, and they all have different levels of functioning, but they all accept and love each other like i've never seen in a classroom before. it's so refreshing and encouraging! usually at some point during the day, my student or another student throws some kind of tantrum or makes a noisy scene, but the kids just go on with their work and later will comfort the party involved. today one student was feeling sick, and all the other students gathered around him. they kept repeating how sorry they were for him and just wanted him to feel better, and they rubbed his back and gave him hugs (though i'm not sure he wanted them :)). i can't describe the loving feeling that i get from them, but they hold such an innocence about them that i've allowed all of them to quickly attach themselves to my heart.

i'm reading "Searching for God Knows What" by Don Miller (which i'll probably blog about when i'm finished) and it's just excellent. this evening what i read made me cry; he was telling the story of a boy in his middle school who was bullied. and he was writing about this ridiculous cycle of how we compare ourselves to one another.

A child learns early there is a fashionable and an unfashionable in the world, an ugly and a pretty; a valued and an unvalued. Where this system comes from, God only knows, but it is rarely questioned, and though completely illogical and agreed upon by everyone as evil, it remains in play, commanding our emotions as a possession. It isn't something taught to us by our parents; it is something that comes naturally, as though a radioactive kind of tragedy happened, screwing up our souls. Adulterated or policed, the system can grow to something more civilized, but no less dominant as a drive of nature. In youth the system is obvious. If you want to learn the operating system to which humans are subjected, step into a classroom of preteen students and listen to the dialogue. You will hear the constant measurements, the talk about family wealth, whose father drives what car, who lives in what neighborhood, or who is dating whom.

not so in special ed. if only i could've had what these kids have.

Christianity and politics

one of my most recent questions that i've been trying to work out is what the role of Christianity in politics is. and i'm still not sure, but i do know that they're not as connected as people try to make them.

for example, this pastor dude who was burning the Quran this weekend...i can't believe he had the nerve to do that in the name of Christ, because it's purely political. and there's no way Christ would condone such behavior.

when you look through the Bible, there's not much about Jesus and politics. there's Jesus loving people, but he doesn't say much about government. he does tell us to "render to Caesar what is Caesar's." and we're commanded to abide by the laws of the government as long as it doesn't go against God's word. so if the government passes a law making abortions legal, that doesn't mean Christians should go out and get abortions, nor does it mean we can hate those who do, nor does it mean we can hate those who passed the law.

ISN'T THE GOSPEL ABOUT LOVE AND NOT HATE?

quite honestly i think the Christian's role in politics is to remain neutral, and a Christian's role IS to spread Christ's love.

around here most Christians label themselves as Republicans. let me ask you, conservative Christians, what good does it do argue with a democrat about what you believe politically when you could be loving him? and what good does it do to make comments about how much you hate Obama/democrats when you could be praying for him and this whole country?

not placing the blame on everyone else, i need to watch my attitude as much as the next person and be careful that what i say and do is Christ-like. oh, what it would be like to be immersed in Christ constantly...

quote journal

a couple years ago my good friend, who will doodle on anything, gave me a journal she had bought in china which she decorated for me. on the front she wrote a quote by Anton Chekhov: "Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass." you see, we were both english ed majors, and in one of ourexcellent classes all of our fellow english ed nerds would teach mock lessons. and they were all brilliant because we're all brilliant (i miss those people). one of our peers taught on the concept of showing and not telling in creative writing, and i think we all became better writers because of his lesson.

all this unnecessary story to say that this journal is now my quote journal. i find that the best books have the best quotes, and i try to pick out great quotes in all the books i read (unless the book isn't good) based on at least one of the following criteria:

1. it says something good or profound that i may or may not agree with

2. it's just a beautifully written line

3. it says something that applies to me

4. it says something that makes me think

so i'm gonna share some of these quotes. not all of them right now because there are so many. today i think i'll share from one of my most recently read books - blue like jazz by don miller. i recommend this book to all christians because it's well written, easy to read, anecdotal, and thoughtful; that is to say, it challenges your christian walk because it offers his thoughts on what christians are and what they should be. i'm reading his next book, searching for God knows what, and it's even more challenging to me than blue like jazz. he totally takes God out of the box that we put Him in.

so, without further ado, here are the quotes:

I didn't love God because I didn't know God.

...The problem is not out there; the problem is the needy beast of a thing that lives in my chest...it did me no good to protest America's responsibility in global poverty when I wasn't even giving money to my church...Do I want social justice for the oppressed, or do I just want to be known as a socially active person?

I don't think, however, there are many people who can stay happy for long periods of time [speaking of spiritual "highs"]. Joy is a temporal thing...I made the mistake of wanting spiritual feelings to endure and remain romantic...What was more frustrating than the loss of exhilaration was the return of my struggles with sin.

...what I believe is not what I say I believe; what I believe is what I do...Andrew very kindly explained that if I do not introduce people to Jesus, then I don't believe Jesus is an important person.

...I want my spirituality to rid me of hate, not give me reason for it. [on a pastor who made a comment that he hated Bill Clinton]

It comforts me to think that if we are created beings, the thing that created us would have to be greater than us, so much greater, in fact, that we would not be able to understand it.

...when we reduce Christian spirituality to math we defile the Holy.

...even though there are so many students having sex and tripping on drugs and whatever, there is also this foundational understanding that other people exist and they are important. [on students from Reed University who did not make fun of a student that Christians most likely would have made fun of]

remembering

i've been remembering lately. i guess because i've been thinking about the future, which makes me consider the past.

(by the way, i just got a part-time job!)

anyway, i've been thinking about how i want dreadlocks, but now more than ever i can't get them because i have to be a professional in school. but in the future, in my dream, in czech, i'll be able to do whatever i want with my hair.

i do honestly believe that my future lies in czech. i'm yearning to be there. but i know that my future there won't be for a time, and i don't know how long that time will be.

so in considering this, in considering moving there sooner rather than later - and i've decided to give it time, i'm still young - i realize how much i'd matured each consecutive time i've been there. even since i was there in october, especially since the internship in 2008, and most definitely since my first time in 2004.

i have a specific memory, and i've really been thinking about this one lately. i think because i've been re-reading "blue like jazz" and it really hits on this stuff.

at the point of this memory i was 19. i was leading a class and discussion group. i had known most of the students for at least a year, but the main character of this memory i had known for two years; he had attended my first english camp, though i don't remember if that had been his first. he was very much against christianity - not christians, because he had christian friends, and he kept coming back to english camp which was very obviously christian. but he wanted nothing to do with christianity. in my group he started naming off all the horrible actions that had been done and said in the name of Christ, like the Crusades, and anti-homosexuality. and i could do nothing but shake my head partly because a) i didn't know how to answer him, and b) i was that christian.

i understand very well how i would talk to that student now. i would defend the name of Christ, because ultimately as humans, us Christians mess up who Christ really is. He didn't want thousands of people to be murdered by people claiming to be doing his work, He wasn't anti-gay - he ate with the worst sinners!

but more important than how i would defend Christ, i am moving away from being that person. if i claim to be a christian, i need to be loving people no matter what. i sin...ugh...i can't tell you how much i sin and how i make Christ appear to be unloving. i hurt people, and then i say i'm a christian. no wonder we have a bad rap...it's because of people like me. and it's such a struggle to love people and not to judge them. but in judging i am disobeying Christ. i'm sorry, Lord.

harry potter

to anyone who knows me, it's no strange fact that i like my fantasy. i just love the imperfect metaphors relating to the real world about love and life. i've read all the harry potter books each summer for the last couple years. i just finished re-reading them again, and now i'm attempting to watch all the movies through as well. i just watched the second movie (hp and the chamber of secrets) with my friend becky, and throughout the movie we attempted to figure out what we would be like if we lived in this fantasy world. for example, we wondered what our polyjuice potions would taste like (an enemy of harry potter's tasted like bogie), and we wondered what our patronuses would be (an animal that is formed to ward away creatures that suck the happiness out of you).

the most important question, however, was which house we would be placed in. the hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry where harry attends is split into four houses. here are how they are described by the sorting hat:

You might belong in Gryffindor,
Where dwell the brave at heart,
Their daring, nerve and chivalry
Set Gryffindors apart;
You might belong in Hufflepuff,
Where they are just and loyal,
Those patient Hufflepuffs are true
And unafraid of toil;
Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,
If you've a steady mind,
Where those of wit and learning,
Will always find their kind;
Or perhaps in Slytherin
You'll make your real friends,
Those cunning folk use any means
To achieve their ends.

By Gryffindor, the bravest were
Prized far beyond the rest;
For Ravenclaw, the cleverest
Would always be the best;
For Hufflepuff, hard workers were
Most worthy of admission;
And power-hungry Slytherin
Loved those of great ambition.

For instance, Slytherin
Took only pure-blood wizards
Of great cunning, just like him,
And only those of sharpest mind
Were taught by Ravenclaw
While the bravest and the boldest
Went to daring Gryffindor,
Good Hufflepuff, she took the rest,
And taught them all she knew

harry belongs in gryffindor, and obviously all harry potter fans also wish that they would belong in gryffindor as well.

the truth is that i know i would belong in hufflepuff: "she took the rest." hufflepuffs unfortunately get a bad rap because they're really not good at anything.

so i was trying to make a case for myself as to why i should be in gryffindor, but i couldn't come up with anything. the biggest reason being that i'm not bold and brave for what i believe/the core of who i am. i hate discord. i want people to like me. but that is not taking a bold stand for Christ.

in november i was put in a position where i could easily have shared my faith, but instead i listened passively to my God being mocked. it ended with me going up to my room and crying. not quite worthy of a gryffindor.

the good thing is that people can change. the headmaster of Hogwarts, Dumbledore, told a member of his staff, Snape, that he believed they sorted too soon. Snape had been in slytherin when he had attended hogwarts, but as an adult he performed wonderful feats of courage out of love for another.

i pray now that when another chance comes to share my faith (and it already has), that i will be bold and brave, and i will tell about the love of the one who created me.

june playlist

1-2-3-4: feist

it's a great day to be alive: travis tritt

my moon, my man: feist

ten gun salute: madi diaz

we will worship you: carlos whittaker

hosanna: hillsong united

sail away: david gray

everybody's changing: keane

healing hands: citizen cope

if i die young: the band perry

flipside

over the years i've had uncertainties about my home church, lcbc (lives changed by Christ). but since i've returned in the past couple months, i've found the sermons and community to be challenging in the way that they should be. we recently finished a series called "flipside," and our human view of certain elements as opposed to God's view. i suggest you download the podcasts. one sermon was on the parable of the prodigal son, and it focused on the older brother and his selfishness and inability to forgive. another was about forgiveness, and how God flips our views of those who we don't love: He tells us to love our enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who have hurt you. Jesus the radical. if only i could love like that.

the last sermon in the series focused on yes/no, and the calls for different disciples in Luke 9 who all put conditions on what they would do for God. here's a snippet out of my journal on what i've been thinking about and about my conditional love for God:

LCBC's last sermon was called Flipside. God's pulled some flipsides on me. I'd been doing fine, but right now I just feel like a loser. I have my master's degree, and I can't get a job. So there's one flip: everyone says it's better to have a higher education, but right now people who didn't go to college aren't living in Manheim with their parents, unemployed. I am; I who have the high and mighty master's degree all before the age of 23. what garbage.

But moving away from the bitterness...When I was twelve and flying over the ocean to make a new home with my family, I told myself I would never go into missions and put my family through that hurt. Here's another flip: over the years God has changed my heart's desire so that my only vision of the future is doing his work in some other culture.

I came to terms with that and said alright to God. "I am ok with going where you want me, but I don't feel called to Africa, and I definitely have no desire to ever go to Russia. But I'd go to Czech because I love those people!" And that was good, right? I was willing to go to Czech. But no - God doesn't want me saying where I will and will not go. Didn't Jonah say no to going to Ninevah?

Growing up, some families from our church would go to the only Christian music festival and conference in England. In the kids' group, we sang a song about Jonah, and to this day those lyrics resound with me: "When God says go, you don't say no." Subsequently, I think the words can be inverted to say "when God says no, you don't go."

Last September I was visiting a friend in Czech. He prayed that if I was being called to Czech that I would just feel it in all of me, even in my bones. I don't. But thanks to Rich Stearns (president of World Vision), my heart has been broken for the poor in Africa, and suddenly I'm not so opposed to going there. "Flipside," God says! "You will have a passion for all of my people, not just the ones you want. I made YOU, and MY son died for you. You don't have the right to choose who to love."

And as if that wasn't enough, my "plan" all along has been to pay off loans and THEN go into missions. Of course my plan since moving home has changed every other week: volunteer with city year, teach abroad, teach in another state, stay home for free and teach, stay home for free and get a job with benefits. All of them my plans, and none involving taking the risk of swallowing my pride and asking people to support me in paying off my loans so I can go into missions.

Jesus tells several men in Luke 9 that they cannot follow him and be his disciples if they are putting conditions on what they will do for him. See, I view it as a decent if not good thing to tell God that as soon as my loans are paid off I'm his and I will literally go anywhere to spread his good news. But God flips it and tells me that I am not his true servant if I am making such conditions and excuses.

Andrea, when God says go, don't respond by saying no-that it will hurt my family to leave their friends and home. Don't respond by saying I'll go to Czech, but not Africa. Don't even respond by saying I'll go ANYWHERE as soon as my loans are paid off. Say yes Lord and Master. I will go where you want me, even if that means Manheim (though I pray it doesn't).

weddings galore

in the past four weekends i've attended three weddings, a bridal shower, and a bachelorette party. i've loved each wedding, but this past weekend one of my high school friends got married to another high school friend, and i was really anticipating this one (though i'm sure they had been more than me - they were together for 5 years!).

i met janelle in 9th grade and took to her right away knowing that she would be a good christian friend. i met chris probably at some point in middle school where i had a crush on him like every other girl in 7th and 8th grade (who can resist such boyband-ish looks?). the two began dating at the end of our senior year of high school. i went to college with chris and so got to know him better AND got to see more of janelle.

five years after prom, i got to see janelle in a white dress, and she looked as beautiful as ever. congratulations, you two!

about 8 years of difference here. we're not as dramatically changed as i should have hoped...

dad

this man is funny. friday morning he did a funeral, and when he came home he left his nice pants on, changed into a t-shirt and flip-flops, and got the laundry in...we keep our clips in what looks like a purse. and the best part was that he let me take a picture of him (not that he had a choice)

boy on a string

The marionetter has your number
Pulling your arms and legs till you can't stand on your own
Dragging your conscience on the stage
And your heart gets rearranged
And you cannot tell your mentor from your Maker
Look at the crowds bleeding with laughter
Over the way you entertain at beckon call
They don't see behind the lights, or the painted backgrounds
They just like to see you fall

But you don't really mind
Cause you're just wasting time
You can't feel anything
You're a boy on a string

I feel a sadness like Gapetto
Watching the life that he created run away
Seeing the puppeteer's intrusion,
And holding the remains of puppets that had rotted away
One day the curtain will not open
And all of the crowds will go away
Sometimes those strings will choke you, but until that day

And you don't really mind
Cause you're just wasting time
You can't feel anything
You're a boy on a string

girls like guys with skills

it's quite interesting how society plops you in school for roughly 18 years, and then you walk across the stage, get your diploma cover, and it's just all over.

18 years of sitting in classes, listening to teachers, homework, stress.

18 years and then nothing.

from high school on my life has been so structured. between school, homework, and work, i had my schedule set. i always had something to do - something hanging over my head. not that that's a good feeling. i'm actually so thankful i don't have that kind of stress anymore.

but suddenly i have so much free time. maybe i shouldn't say but because that connotes something negative, and i do not see this as a negative thing. because i'm using this down time to work on my skills. HA! but for real.

i can't say i have many skills. it takes a long time for me to be good at anything, and that's why i'm a bit of an academic (18 years!). plus between school, work, and a social life i haven't had the time to really work on improving any of my interests. but now i have all the time in the world. not really, but i h

ave every day after 5.

i've been enjoying these evenings immensely. i've been able to hang out with friends many of these evenings. i've been able to write snail mail to many of my college buddies. heck, i got to watch the winter olympics!

but on those nights that i haven't been otherwise busy...i've been sewing!

and finally, after far too long, i finished my first ever dress. i know, i know...it's not worthy of project runway, but i'm not competitive enough to be on a show like that :) for now this dress is good.

so for the first time ever made known to the public, here's my dress!

now on to the next project...

gnocchi, uncrustables, half a quiche, spinich artichoke dip.

tessa's and my meal from the other night.

hats

i recently realized that i have an awfully large assortment of hats.

about a month ago, several local high school students came to evan's candy to make chocolate for a fundraiser with all proceeds going towards haiti.

that same day the local news station and local newspaper visited my place of employment to do a story on the kindness of these high school students. but of course i needed a piece of this action.

the evening before, i realized that i should wear a hat to work since, after all, that's a very sanitary practice. my dad's collection of baseball hats sits on the top shelf of my closet (hence why i am claiming all of them), and i began looking through all of them to try to find the best one.

as soon as my eyes saw it i knew it was the one. i couldn't believe my luck in finding it.

it's a beige color, and it's huge. there's a fish right across the middle of it. all it says is:

IDAHO The Great Getaway

how ever in the world could i resist?

so after waking up at 5am and then 6am to watch my boss on the news (he did so well!), i hurried off to work and excitedly showed my hat to everyone that i work with. they were just as impressed as i was.

and then the students came. and we had fun being silly and helping them out.

and then the cameras rolled on in. how was i supposed to contain my excitement? i followed the cameraman and news anchor around, attempting to get everyone in the susquehanna valley to see my face on the local news at 5:30.

i got on tv.

could they see my face?

no.

they could see the huge hat though!

as my kind parents sat down to watch the news with me, i saw my hoodie, and the hat, and even a bit red hair! but no face.

i was still satisfied.

because i also managed to jump into a picture that was printed in the local newspaper, and i'm even mentioned as a "professional candy maker."

no lie, read about it here: http://engleonline.com/AdDesk/Htmlfiles/Readers/article.epc?id=29255

i now like to rub that in my boss's face - i'm the professional.

and it does get better than that, because i found out how many hilarious hats i have (and some are actually mine)!

i have an asian hat (like this one) that i bought in chinatown a couple years ago. unfortunately, there's no strap and it kept falling off my head. it didn't last too long.

i have a brown trucker hat that says BILL MELONE (my dad's, grandpa's, and brother's name). it's chocolate brown and disgustingly old and large. it may be my favorite.

and i have an anne of green gables hat. this one is so huge that throughout the day i couldn't help but run into everything. and every time i walked by the radio we would lose signal.

but now i've run out of hats. the hilarity at evan's does continue to ensue, just without the help of my head covers.

i do have an eventful life!

over the years i've come to label myself as a bit of an old woman. the activities in which i choose to partake are sometimes - well - just plain old boring.

but that doesn't mean i don't lead an interesting life.

i'll use this weekend as an example.

my friend tessa came over friday night to sleep over, and we decided to go to stauffer's, a local grocery store whose motto is "we deli

ght shoppers." unfortunately, last time tessa and i went into stauffer's we were severely NOT delighted. usually stauffer's is known for its free samples, but all tessa and i could find was stinky cheese and coffee. see? undelightable.

so we went friday evening with great hopes, praying that stauffer's would redeem itself. and it did! we got some great salsa, chips, orange slices, bread, coffee and tea, and honey mustard dip. the free sample guy didn't seem to appreciate us, and ending up waiting for us to finish the honey mustard. but we walked away reimbursing stauffer's for our free sampling and got gnocchi, uncrustables, and half a quiche. wei

rd combination, i know, but tessa's been talking about uncrustables for weeks, and then she suddenly wanted gnocchi, and then i suddenly wanted quiche. stauffer's did however fail us in one area (of course - way to continue to not delight us, stauffer's!): they had no spinach and artichoke dip. i love this stuff. so we went to giant and got some, and then went home.

we had a fun evening with our random assortment of food; we watched "she's the man" (a hilarious take by amanda bynes on shakespeare's 12th Night and one of my favorite movies), and i taught tessa how to play backgammon - another example of my old lady-ness.

we got up at some point saturday morning, and then tessa asked me to cut her hair. i've always wanted to cut hair, but having never done it before, we figured we should watch some youtube videos so we could become masters of the trade. there are not, however, many good videos explaining how to do it. one lady showed us how to cut your hair and make it into a make-up brush.

then we saw the photo booth option on my parent's computer and went crazy with it.

yes we did.

at some point during this time, my sister larissa and her boyfriend mike came by with her new puppy, jackson. of course tessa and i were still in our pajamas. larissa and mike got ready for a wedding, tessa left, and i was stuck with jackson the puppy and maggie, our dog who hates puppies.

as soon as larissa walked out the door, jackson peed on the landing. so i cleaned up the mess he had thankfully made on the linoleum landing. then i used the bathroom, came out, and saw that jackson had left what i like to call a "tinkle trail:" he had walked all around the house peeing as he did so. i cleaned it up with our bottle of carpet cleaner that doesn't spray right (i ended up just pouring it onto a paper towel), all the while cursing him in my head. and then got my tea. i sat down with relief only to have my nose start bleeding. since i have a cold i've been blowing my nose more lately, and therefore it's been bleeding a lot. so i got some tissues and sat down again only to see jackson tinkle trailing again!

that was it.

i stuffed a tissue up my nose and threw him (and maggie) outside. my nose began gushing so i couldn't tie up jackson and had to get more tissues. eventually i looked out and saw the dogs fighting in the neighbor's yard and wouldn't come back. since jackson doesn't know where he is and has never been off the leash before, i was afraid he would run away. so i ran out to get him.

let me set up this scene for you.

my neighbors were outside.

i was in my pajamas.

i had bed head.

i didn't have any shoes on - only socks.

our yard is half soggy, half snow.

my nose was bleeding - more like gushing - and i had a tissue shoved up it.

so i ran out to get him which took a couple tries and some more silent cursing. finally i carried him back, put him down on the deck so i could take off my muddy, soaking socks. at that point, maggie ran by and jackson just couldn't resist a good chase. so again i ran after him - the difference being that i was barefoot. i caught him, ran inside, threw him in the crate, and started screaming at the poor, clueless dogs.

sigh.

i cleaned up the second tinkle trail with the awful carpet cleaner, got a much needed shower (much to the chagrin of jackson who was barking the whole time). i came out and maggie was waiting beside the bathroom door - poor thing didn't know what to do with a barking puppy. she has no motherly instincts. i washed some dishes and cleaned up the house, and then i let jackson out. i was standing there, petting him. and don't you know. he peed.

and so that was my weekend. eventually i just sat down to watch blood diamond and sew my dress. and then my parents came home and they got to deal with messy carpet and awful carpet cleaner.

i asked larissa and mike to never have me dog-sit jackson again.