my twelfth birthday is one that i remember. i'm pretty sure i could even tell you what outfit i was wearing. my hair was in a pony tail, as it was always was at that point. i guess pulling it away from my face did make it look less messy, though from the front my frizzy bangs just made me look like a boy with a bowl cut.

it was a sunday. i don't know what we had to eat, but i'd assume that mom made me a chocolate cake with peanut butter icing, as was the tradition.

what sticks out about this birthday wasn't at all a special celebration - i don't think i'd had one of them since about the age of 6. what did stick out was my complete selfishness and hastiness to verbalize it.

we had a visitor. i remember what he looks like, and i think i can recall his name. we'll call him Joe. maybe he stayed overnight, or maybe he just came Sunday morning, but he came to church with us. at church after the service, my dad told me that Joe was gonna come home and spend the evening with us.

my response? WHINING. things like, "it's my birthday, why is he coming?" and, "I don't want him to!"

i don't think Joe heard me - i hope he didn't hear me - but it wouldn't have taken much to tell that i was annoyed.

whining never got me my way, and of course Joe still came over. but on the way he stopped at a store and picked me up a movie - "Lion King 1 1/2."

and then i was ok with it. how immature of me.


thirteen years later and i hope i wouldn't do that this year. of course i've matured. but reading back to my time of interning 4 years ago i was almost shocked at my me-mentality! don't get me wrong, i'm still selfish, but i got annoyed at my words - how all that seemed to matter was my feelings and emotions, not about what God was doing in my life.

what i realize now is that no matter where i am emotionally, whether i feel his presence or feel he's abandoned me; whether i'm happy or sad; annoyed or excited; needy or stable - He is still God. i may not always experience those emotional highs that missions trips can grant, but even after a moment of passion is lost, God still showers me with his grace.

what i realize now is that i may experience a low a lot of the time, but instead of getting all "woe is me" about it and spreading it around my blog or facebook, it's more important that Christ points himself to me and reminds me of how he's changed and saved me and is still actively presenting his truths to me.

thank you, God, for rescuing this sinner and opening my eyes to your grace in my life.