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Israel

this particular blog entry is kinda difficult for me to write. i'm putting myself out there with this one, and i'm scared to do it. not just because it involves many tears (let's face it, this emotional girl has tears with almost every story), but because it involves the supernatural, and my really personal struggle with God. and seriously, i'm just letting all y'all into my head and my heart. that really freaks me out. but i feel like if i'm gonna tell a part of the story, i need to tell the whole story. we'll see how long this turns out to be :)

so before i procrastinate with this any longer - which i would do; i definitely have the gift of procrastination - here goes.

i don't think God's spoken to me directly too often. take this as you will - a revelation, a direct communication - i don't know what to call it. but there have been four times that i believe God's revealed something to me. the thing is, i still don't know if i heard God or if i heard myself. i don't think i was telling myself these things; i firmly believe that God did. and yet i'm still at the brink of deciding if it's God or me because none of these four things have actually happened, though they all still have the ability to occur. onward we go as i tell you about two of them and all my questioning and struggling that's gone along with it.

these two revelations happened in the past couple months as i'd been praying about moving back to czech. it was a struggle for me to decide what to do, but after i did, i was sure that God told me that 1) i'll be in czech for a long time, and 2) i'd be well provided for financially, even to the point where i can save money.

if this really is God telling me this stuff, that's like jaw-dropping right there. that is quite the clear and direct revelation! but i haven't shared this stuff with too many people at all because it's kinda weird and unbelievable. it's hard for even me to believe necessarily. and yet, i have believed it. because i've stepped out and started raising support again, believing that when i returned to Czech i wouldn't necessarily be fully supported, but that over time i would be fully provided for. i believed it whole-heartedly up until about 2 weeks ago. at that point of unbelief, i had opened a microsoft excel report in my email that showed how little support i'd received.

i thought God had told me i'd be in Czech and that I'd be well-supported!

...and then there was worry and anger and questioning that was that all the more difficult because i had thought God had told me i'd be just fine and dandy this coming year. i'd had no doubt in my mind up until that point that raising support would not be an issue AT ALL.  which left me with some interpretations. either

-I had spoken and listened to myself, and God hadn't been a part of what i believed had been a revelation from him,

or

-i had misunderstood him,

or

-he was doing an Abraham and Isaac type thing, where i would show a heart of sacrifice at which point he would intervene and provide for me,

or

-God will still provide, and i'm just bloody impatient.

i'm still not sure which it is.

believe me, i had anger issues with God that came out in my typical passive-aggressive form. it starts with a stuck-up attitude and ends in shouting. and i admit that i very selfishly don't like the idea of being "humiliated" and having to return home early because of a lack of funds.

let's continue with the kicker: i leave on thursday for czech. one week before my scheduled departure, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. my response? God, I trust you. a four-letter word.

and after i found out, i had entirely too much alone time. i spent my whole 2-hour trip to Baltimore (and the time before that) in on again-off again tears. I COULDN'T EVEN FINISH MY CHICK FIL-A, i was so upset. the thing is, my mom has an auto-immune disease that means that any kind of treatment for the cancer is going to be harder on her body than it would be for you or me. i couldn't stomach the thought of seeing her weakened over Skype and not being able to help her. (we now know that mom's cancer hasn't spread, and is in a very early stage. she'll be fine, it's just making decisions about the next steps)

i thought during my little road trip about the possibility of delaying my return to Czech so that I could stay and help her and raise more support, and i TOLD God that i needed an answer about what the heck to do. i'm quite demanding.

when i finally got over the red puffy eyes, i brought up my thoughts with my mom. her response was along the lines of, "what the heck would you do here? you're going to czech where you should be, 'nuff said." and that was God's answer for me too.

i rejoice in going to Czech. i have a desire to be there. i'm thankful God's taking me there again. i'm devastatingly sad to leave my family.

and i'm leaving out something very important... while i was complaining to God about what i don't understand, he provided me with a few housing options, where i'll either have a new roommate in my current apartment, or i'll live in a different apartment out of town for free.

i don't know much. i don't know if God revealed those things to me or not, but i do know that in 48 hours i'll be crying and alone as i sit in a gate at newark airport, and that i'll be boarding the plane for exactly where i want to go and where God wants me to go. if i run out of money, or if mom has a really bad spell of chemo, i'll head on back to manheim, absolutely devastated to say goodbye to my czech family. and then God will provide for me again.

i'm not the only sinner who's struggled with God. in fact, God named his chosen nation Israel which means "struggles with God." for some reason, this God of grace continues to pull me towards him, even after my shouting spells and anger issues and struggling.