wounded

i woke up really urgently this morning. i felt like i had been sleeping and then suddenly realized i was driving on a highway. i jerked awake and said oh my gosh!

and now i'm still awake and thinking. i can't write in its entirety what's going on, but yesterday i was hurt more than i think i ever have been. at least my reaction proved that. and my hurt quickly became anger...it still is. i wasn't sure if it was ok to be angry - but it's justified. and i'm praying that anger doesn't become resentment and bitterness.

but look, here comes the sun. and listen to those birds!

exodus 30something

i've been reading through exodus, and it's been taking a really long time. the first twenty or so chapters tells a story, and then for about ten chapters there are laws and instructions on building the tabernacle. now that we're back to the story, the reading is much easier and quick.

i'm encouraged because of several things: namely, you can see how much moses matured. at a young age he killed an egyptian and then ran away. he returned, and God wanted moses to lead his people. moses responded with excuses, but eventually he did as God asked. a couple years later he's leading the israelites to the promised land and receives laws from God. when he returns to the people they're worshiping a calf. God almost killed them all, but moses spoke up for them. he interceded.

that's something else that encourages me: God listens. Moses could have not spoken up for them, but He did. and because of that God spared the people. so cool to have a God who hears our cries and listens to what we ask.

moses continuously intercedes for the "stiff-necked" israelites. and it's so awesome because as he begins to ask God to spare them, you begin to see an intimacy between him and God. it even states that moses saw his face and spoke to him as two friends speak.

amazing. as moses grew, matured, and listened to God more, God drew closer to him to the point of sitting down with him.

additional deep thought:

in reading through exodus recently, i've been thinking more about God's character that's exuded in these chapters.

he gave extremely specific instructions on building the tabernacle. aaron had to wear bells when he approached the holiest of holies so that God would be aware of him approaching. priests would have to wear ropes around their waists in case they died in the presence of God. what makes us think that if that was how He was to be approached then that we shouldn't be more serious about approaching him now? i throw up a prayer when i remember to. maybe i should be spending time on my knees in his holy presence.

when Jesus died, the veil was torn. we no longer need a priest to intercede for us, we can go straight to God. the Holy Spirit is now in us, not on us. but God is the same now as He was then. if we look at how Jesus prayed, He would generally seclude himself. He made time to spend with God. He spent forty days praying and fasting! i can't spend forty minutes.

think about death. what do we as humans think is worthy of death? the only crime that is ever punished with death is that of murder.

but God had people killed because they turned from him; they broke their covenant with him and instead worshiped a calf. that's pretty intense. turning from God deserves death.

father's day weekend

lots of eating, lots of fun.

friday eve:

-$5 haircut with tessa (still not sure if i like it, but haven't had much opportunity to wear it down)

-$3 dinner (french baguette and butter, half an apple)

-collecting seed packets at gain warehouse to be sent to zambia (totally purposeful and pretty fun hanging out with new friends while running around a table in competition to see who could collect the most the fastest while attempting to move stealthily around slower volunteers)

-maggie's house-sitting house (sitting amongst people i don't know while completely zoning out: not quite as priceless)

saturday eve:

-$50 dinner at caraba's with the fam (really good food, though i stuffed myself on bread and consequently took home a bunch of leftovers. also recounted the parents excitement/lack thereof in becoming parents 30 years ago)

sunday eve:

-nap (amazing. and very much needed)

-sushi at mojo for maggie's birthday (the sushi was amazing as usual, and the company was tons of fun. we had a private room and made more noise than the rest of the restaurant altogether. unfortunately i managed to spill teriyaki sauce all over maggie's brother's phone while attempting to be funny)

-megamind with maggie (a really funny movie which would've been funnier had i not been half asleep)

and thus the weekend is behind me.

tomorrow entails wearing sunscreen, consigning clothing, and painting the deck. i love manual labor.

i remember when i interned in czech we spent a day working at a family's farm. we did hard work in the hot sun, but it was so refreshing to be actually physical (and outdoors) again after a lot of traveling, visiting, and meeting new people.

i've been all sorts of nostalgic lately about czech, perhaps because i'm returning. i was consciously attempting to remember bunches of memories from interning by reading my old journals and blog entries and checking out facebook pictures. what great community that provided.

so sentimental.

conversations with God

i love working with michael; i don't like having two jobs, and i'm getting a little too old to continue living at home. so i've been looking for other jobs all over the place unsuccessfully.

a couple weeks ago a great friend called and told me she was moving to thailand! i was completely ecstatic for her, though at the same time i started thinking that that's what i want to do. i hadn't really been looking into overseas teaching because they mostly require that you raise support. but some of these positions not only paid you enough to live locally, they assisted with your debt repayment! perfect! so of course i started making a profile immediately, getting a little caught up in the moment.

but i started praying. too often i make decisions and feel that because it worked out that it was God's will. for this choice i wanted to make sure it was what God wanted me to do. and i just wasn't feeling that peace. i really wanted to press the button to apply for those jobs, but stopped just in time.

moving overseas is such a great desire of mine. why would God not want me to move when i'd be doing his work?

so i talked to God about it, asking him the same question. but the question that i was then asked was what i would be willing to sacrifice in order to remain faithful to God. would i give up getting married? would i surrender moving overseas and stay in america if that's what God asked of me?

i would. though it kind of sucks. and i'm not sure that God will ask these things of me, but i will remain faithful if He does.

still the question of the future remains. all God asks of me is to trust him. pray that i will!