Haikus

i wrote these today during Doctrine III. they're based on scripture that i've been reading lately.

I have been broken.
Please let my bones praise Your name.
Renew me, clean me.
-Psalm 51

To understand Your
love - Your Son, Your sacrifice.
No love is greater.
-John 3

"For He has torn us."
For I have not loved You, Lord.
"But He will heal us."
-Hosea 6

God's love is His Son,
and nothing can separate
us, not even death.
-Romans 8

i go to church now.

yes, i said it. i go to church now, and i happily go to church now. i CHOOSE to go to church now!
this is the beautiful building where the people of newtown reformed church meet. an old professor from pbu (mike dittman) is the pastor there, and since the first day i walked in there in october, i felt like i belonged.
see, i hate churches. for the most part. since i've been at pbu i've visited many churches and been satisfied with none. i do understand that all churches have flaws - they're filled with sinful people! it is my own fault that i have focused on the flaws of the church. i spoke about this with a friend last semester (because we both attended bedside baptist more than anywhere else) and we both wished that we would have settled on a church freshman year and poured ourselves into them. instead i chose to pinpoint the parts of churches that i didn't like. i wish i could take it back.
but God has been gracious, and He has placed me into the midst of a changing church. however, i wouldn't even have gone had a close friend not challenged me to get back into a church. he reminded me that all churches have flaws, and told me that God could use me to revolutionize the church or He could use someone else.
so i walked into the newtown church with the mindset that i wouldn't allow myself to be a wallflower. that's too easy. i have become involved with forming a youth group, and i am getting to know so many people in depth. they are interested in my heart.
i see how God has answered my prayers - i have wanted to be mentored and be a mentor for a long time. i'm able to work with my favorite age group (middle school) and be a role model for those girls as they pass through possibly their worst stage of life. the ladies at the church (especially pam) have been getting to know me better and begin praying for and with me. i find that the church has become my sense of community, almost a home. this is where i'm called to be right now.
the sad thing is that i know i won't be able to be here forever. as i was talking to pam the other day, i was telling her about my fear of becoming stagnant when i move home. home is such a comfortable place, and it's so easy for me to fall back into old habits. when i go to the college group at lcbc, i'm afraid i could stay in the background and not use what i've learned the past 4 years. i cannot be passive, that is not what God has called us to do. I want to be a revolutionary for His name.

the stinky nation

the first time i was ever in czech was in 2003 when i went with my family. it was probably the moment that made me understand the term bittersweet. my family had just left england - our former home had transformed into a place where we were unknown, where my awkward pre-adolescent friends had bloomed into beautiful, young teenagers, and where i had felt a connection again after 4 years. the town of wincanton was my childhood home, and i had been uprooted once. after our brief visit, i felt i was being torn away from a place i had loved and grown familiar with again.
we flew from london to prague, and my only memory from the prague airport is the stench of BO as red, sweaty humans reached over each other to grab their luggage. i was in a foul mood - i wanted to spend those last remaining days of vacation to continue renewing my english friendships. but wandering around the city for the next two days averted my attention. i viewed the beauty of the architecture and learned the history of the country. i breathed it all in and knew i would return. that city wouldn't leave my head.
the following year i returned and i felt familiar. though i didn't know the others on my team, i knew that where i was at that moment was where i belonged.
that week affirmed all of my thoughts.
i returned the next two years, and the year off inbetween hurt. last summer i spent 2.5 months soaking in the culture, never more sure of the feeling of belonging.
i am returning in august, and i am comforted to know when i'm going back. the trip will not be the same; it never is.
i am returning to continue to build friendships and show that small, quiet nation the love of God. i cannot wait to sit in a steaming, overcrowded train. i miss having rohliki and cheese every morning. but most of all, i can't wait to return to that stinky nation full of smiles that i now understand to the people whose eyes show how desperate they are to feel God's unconditional love and goodness.

i don't know what i'm writing about yet...

what a grand semester this has been. interesting to compare it to last semester. i can't believe how crazy things were with me a couple months ago. i am so thankful for God's grace and faithfulness. i struggled so much with God, mostly because of my own stubbornness. but what brought me back to God was understanding that He is my life, and i honestly just can't get away from Him. i have struggled with God.
here's a passage that i found during this time.

hosea 6:
“Come, let us return to the Lord;
for he has torn us, that he may heal us;
he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.
2 After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will raise us up,
that we may live before him.
3 Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord;
his going out is sure as the dawn;
he will come to us as the showers,
as the spring rains that water the earth.”

4 What shall I do with you, O Ephraim?
What shall I do with you, O Judah?
Your love is like a morning cloud,
like the dew that goes early away.
5 Therefore I have hewn them by the prophets;
I have slain them by the words of my mouth,
and my judgment goes forth as the light.
6 For I desire steadfast love [1] and not sacrifice,
the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.

7 But like Adam they transgressed the covenant;
there they dealt faithlessly with me.
8 Gilead is a city of evildoers,
tracked with blood.
9 As robbers lie in wait for a man,
so the priests band together;
they murder on the way to Shechem;
they commit villainy.
10 In the house of Israel I have seen a horrible thing;
Ephraim's whoredom is there; Israel is defiled.

11 For you also, O Judah, a harvest is appointed,
when I restore the fortunes of my people.

i find it beautiful. God's steadfastness through man's unfaithfulness.