what i am looking forward to

since i posted about what i'm not looking forward to about czech, i think it's just as necessary to express what i AM looking forward to, though i'm not sure just one post would do it justice.

first of all, and this really goes without saying, i am beyond excited to be with my friends. some of these people i've known for 8 years! others i met this past summer. here are some faces:

2004 - first English camp: friends from Pardubice

Girls from Bohumin in 2008

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i also can't wait to have a good public transportation system. it's not necessary for us to have a car, because trains, buses, trams, and subways can get us anywhere! one of my favorite things to do is to stick my head out of a train window. not quite like these guys to my right, but i love that feeling of being in czech and having the freedom of looking out at the fields while the wind knocks the air out of me.

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most certainly the food. czech breakfast is one of my favorites - it's usually meat and cheese on a rolik (fresh roll) with fruit and veggies. and tea or coffee. yum. i also love the Czech national food: svickova (sveech-koe-va) - dumplings with beef tips and a special sauce, topped with cream and cranberry sauce. another favorite is mednovik, a Czech honey cake. tessa and i tried making it once, and it wasn't nearly as heavenly as it should have been.

Svickova

Medovnik

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then of course, there are things that i can't post a picture for. i've always wanted to go into ministry, and i'll be able to minister while teaching - something else i love. i love that this trip is so purposeful, and my whole intention in being there is to gain and build friendships and be Christ to people.

i'm excited to be "starting over" - to not be held back by traditions, and in general to have more time. not being held back by obligations. can't wait.

trust in a meager form.

this whole week i haven't been setting my alarm clock. i've been attempting to trust God to wake me up when i need to wake up. it's been really hard: on monday i woke up at 7 (my usual time), but my head and heavy eyes right away returned to the pillow. i woke up almost an hour later, but still made it to work on time. God had provided the opportunity to wake up at the right time and i didn't take it. the last couple nights i've been waking up every couple hours afraid that i overslept. and yet i haven't at all. if anything i've had more time to get ready and spent with God in the mornings.

last night i was listening to this amazing sermon/seminar about how Elijah was being hunted by Jezebel. in the meantime i was wrestling with myself, wondering if i could trust God to wake me up in the morning...these stories aren't quite parallel. imagine God providing for Elijah while he's being chased by a wicked murderer, and i can't believe that he'll wake me up in time.

this has been my small lesson in trust. my head is spinning (maybe from my coffee SEVEN hours ago? seriously, in college i could drink caffeine at any time of the day and still fall asleep within an hour) and it's past midnight. i'm wrestling with myself wondering if God will wake me up if i don't get as much sleep as usual. but that's not really what i'm thinking...the truth is i'm not trusting God at all and i'm afraid i could oversleep tomorrow.



there was a recent incident where i began second-guessing if i'm good at my job, and whether certain individuals had no or little respect for me. thankfully, the aforementioned sermon and the wonderful book "Because He Loves Me" (which have both been prevelant in my life recently) preach the gospel and who our identity is found in. what a blessing that my identity isn't found in what others think or how well i perform or i feel terrible about myself. Jesus took that stuff. my identity is found in the one who took that from me so that i could be his.

but so much easier said than applied. this situation is what's currently swirling around in my head, and has been every spare second i've had today. i don't know what i'd do without the hope of Christ.

what i'm [not] looking forward to

not to get all negative nancy, especially after tessa wrote this. 

for years the dream has been to move to czech. now it's happening. it's all very exciting...i really am looking forward to so much (that can be its own entry).

but realistically, the visions of happiness and growth and change i have while we're there won't happen.

i know that at some point i will most likely become really frustrated with the language especially.

i'm not looking forward to not being with an organization that will grant us accountability in the country.

leaving my family (especially Grace) and friends will be doubly difficult.

raising support has always been a struggle. i'm praying about this one for sure, but this is a tough one to trust God with.

so friends, please pray for me and with me. believe me, i'm excited! but i know that my expectations can't be too high. thank you!

all for a doughnut

i've had a tired two weeks. today was no different. i came home and was determined to do nothing with the rest of my day. but then i wanted to make hot chocolate (with milk) and there wasn't enough milk. so i called and texted dad to see if he could pick some up, but he didn't respond and came home a little while later without having checked his phone.

so whatever, i can survive. but then i remembered that today is fasnacht day, and i decided i wanted a doughnut. so i so selflessy offered to run to the store to get milk and doughnuts. it was a planned extrememly quick trip with the hope of running into no one i know. and it was quick, even with having to decide which kind of organic cereal i wanted most.

i headed to the self-checkout line as is the custom for me. you should see me on that thing, i am a machine. i swipe my item and send it down the belt. swipe and send. swipe and send. pay and done.

of course there was a line. so i took to people-watching. the lady at the other self-checkout was talking to a friend and then actually asked her to leave so that she could concentrate on what she was doing. she started talking to herself, "where's the barcode?" she picked up her box of cheerios and looked on every single side of it until she found it. she swiped it and sent it down the belt, only it wasn't accepted. it took her a bit to realize it hadn't been as she tried to swipe her gallon of water only to have the machine beep at her. once she figured it out she picked up the cheerios, swiped them, and read the screen out loud. "send it down the belt. it has to be in its own timing." she only had a couple things in her cart but i was thankful i wasn't behind her because of how long she was taking.

i admit it was hysterical to watch someone have so much trouble and to be talking out loud to the machine. but at the same time i was impatient to get my doughnuts and go to town on them like the fat girl that lives inside of me. really i wasn't on a time restraint at all, i was just annoyed. and she wasn't even in front of me!

that's when i remembered that i should be considering others as better than myself. God loves that lady even though she can't work the self-checkout (big deal, right). and yet my tapping foot was in no way loving or Christ-like.

i pray that God's love will consume me to the point where i don't have to realize my selfishness all the time and will be able to love others more than i love myself.

maturation of speaking abilities.

if you've watched the video on my sidebar (i'm not telling you to, in fact, i'd beg that you not watch it. but if you have watched it...), you'll notice how very awkward tessa and i are acting. really that's not how we interact with each other in real life. you should see the first couple videos we made. just kidding, you shouldn't. ever.

but today we made it through speaking for TEN MINUTES in front of maybe FIFTY PEOPLE without being so awkward! (phew!) i didn't say um after every word. we knew what to do with our eyes while the other person was speaking. sure we messed up a couple words here and there, but no big deal (NBD), right? they even interacted by nodding their heads when I said, "if you've ever heard of John Huss"...! i think i've finally moved past my terrible high school oral speech abilities (i groan just at the thought).

what a blessing Lancaster Grace has been to us. first they open a fund for our trip, and then they don't judge us on our speaking abilities. in fact, they rather welcomed us in. i hope that the kindness of others continues to be a theme in our trip.

folder of happiness.

[i just googled "how long do we hold memories?" the first line of the first site said, "You seemingly simple question leads us into an intricate maze of neurons...."

And i was lost at "neurons." i moved onto an article by "How Stuff Works." much more my speed.]

i used to have a box of happiness, but Maggie chewed it up when she was a puppy because i so ignorantly left it under my bed.

and just what would a box of happiness contain? you may ask (though probably weren't). in periods of sadness, i always enjoy peeking inside the box to see tangible ways in which i have been shown love. notes, gifts, pictures.

when maggie chewed it up, i just kind of threw my things into another box only to be forgotten about. now going through it i don't remember why everything is in there, or what some items or notes are, or even who they're from in some instances. still, at the time, i'm sure it brought me great happiness.

a couple years ago i started a folder of happiness after an extremely rough, disappointing, not-what-i-had-expected semester/year of college. i'm still adding to it. it's extremely full.

but writing things down in general tends to help me remember happy memories - any memories. there's no straight-up answer to the question i threw at google (answer the dang question, google!), but generally repitition helps move thoughts into long-term memory. repitition helps move thoughts into long-term memory. repitition helps move thoughts into long-term memory. (ok, enough)

and so, onto happiness, and the hope that sharing my happy thoughts with the blogging world will help me remember when i'm feeling what i'm sure will be over-dramatic sadness.

i have a favorite student. i know you shouldn't have favorites, but i have one, and she is loud and annoying and just so lovable! i shall call her Fave.

she sits in the back corner of the classroom and because she's an oral processor, has times of "confession" to herself that the rest of the classroom can hear because she is just always loud. it's stuff like "oh yeah, i shouldn't have that," and when questioned about what she shouldn't have, generally silly bands or something of the like are disposed of.

Fave and i have recently been forming a bond. we played candy land the other day at break and every time i turned around she took a turn, or several turns, when it was clearly not hers to take. really she's quite cunning. i love that she's so...well, BA.

and recently Fave has been confessing things specifically to me, and she's even been whispering because she knows i can't stand when she talks so loudly when she's standing right next to me. at the end of the day she came over to my seat and said, in her whispered whiny voice, "shoot, there's a [*self-induced] hole in my shirt."

*she did not say [self-induced], though it was implied by when i saw they cut-up hole in the middle of her shirt.

oh, Fave, i said. you ruined another one of your shirts.

Fave has done this before. that's why she's my fave.

current prayer needs...

things are progressing, and as things are moving forward there seem to be more hindrances. so be praying that things go well on the legal end of this...as we're getting visas and work permits things are getting tougher.
and pray as we begin raising support. it's tough for us to ask people for money!
and finally, be praying for our hearts. the more i think about this trip the more fear i have. those little "what ifs" can be major trouble.

and meditate on this:
"And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you ezperience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully."
Ephesians 3:18-19