favorite shots of chincoteague

Israel

this particular blog entry is kinda difficult for me to write. i'm putting myself out there with this one, and i'm scared to do it. not just because it involves many tears (let's face it, this emotional girl has tears with almost every story), but because it involves the supernatural, and my really personal struggle with God. and seriously, i'm just letting all y'all into my head and my heart. that really freaks me out. but i feel like if i'm gonna tell a part of the story, i need to tell the whole story. we'll see how long this turns out to be :)

so before i procrastinate with this any longer - which i would do; i definitely have the gift of procrastination - here goes.

i don't think God's spoken to me directly too often. take this as you will - a revelation, a direct communication - i don't know what to call it. but there have been four times that i believe God's revealed something to me. the thing is, i still don't know if i heard God or if i heard myself. i don't think i was telling myself these things; i firmly believe that God did. and yet i'm still at the brink of deciding if it's God or me because none of these four things have actually happened, though they all still have the ability to occur. onward we go as i tell you about two of them and all my questioning and struggling that's gone along with it.

these two revelations happened in the past couple months as i'd been praying about moving back to czech. it was a struggle for me to decide what to do, but after i did, i was sure that God told me that 1) i'll be in czech for a long time, and 2) i'd be well provided for financially, even to the point where i can save money.

if this really is God telling me this stuff, that's like jaw-dropping right there. that is quite the clear and direct revelation! but i haven't shared this stuff with too many people at all because it's kinda weird and unbelievable. it's hard for even me to believe necessarily. and yet, i have believed it. because i've stepped out and started raising support again, believing that when i returned to Czech i wouldn't necessarily be fully supported, but that over time i would be fully provided for. i believed it whole-heartedly up until about 2 weeks ago. at that point of unbelief, i had opened a microsoft excel report in my email that showed how little support i'd received.

i thought God had told me i'd be in Czech and that I'd be well-supported!

...and then there was worry and anger and questioning that was that all the more difficult because i had thought God had told me i'd be just fine and dandy this coming year. i'd had no doubt in my mind up until that point that raising support would not be an issue AT ALL.  which left me with some interpretations. either

-I had spoken and listened to myself, and God hadn't been a part of what i believed had been a revelation from him,

or

-i had misunderstood him,

or

-he was doing an Abraham and Isaac type thing, where i would show a heart of sacrifice at which point he would intervene and provide for me,

or

-God will still provide, and i'm just bloody impatient.

i'm still not sure which it is.

believe me, i had anger issues with God that came out in my typical passive-aggressive form. it starts with a stuck-up attitude and ends in shouting. and i admit that i very selfishly don't like the idea of being "humiliated" and having to return home early because of a lack of funds.

let's continue with the kicker: i leave on thursday for czech. one week before my scheduled departure, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. my response? God, I trust you. a four-letter word.

and after i found out, i had entirely too much alone time. i spent my whole 2-hour trip to Baltimore (and the time before that) in on again-off again tears. I COULDN'T EVEN FINISH MY CHICK FIL-A, i was so upset. the thing is, my mom has an auto-immune disease that means that any kind of treatment for the cancer is going to be harder on her body than it would be for you or me. i couldn't stomach the thought of seeing her weakened over Skype and not being able to help her. (we now know that mom's cancer hasn't spread, and is in a very early stage. she'll be fine, it's just making decisions about the next steps)

i thought during my little road trip about the possibility of delaying my return to Czech so that I could stay and help her and raise more support, and i TOLD God that i needed an answer about what the heck to do. i'm quite demanding.

when i finally got over the red puffy eyes, i brought up my thoughts with my mom. her response was along the lines of, "what the heck would you do here? you're going to czech where you should be, 'nuff said." and that was God's answer for me too.

i rejoice in going to Czech. i have a desire to be there. i'm thankful God's taking me there again. i'm devastatingly sad to leave my family.

and i'm leaving out something very important... while i was complaining to God about what i don't understand, he provided me with a few housing options, where i'll either have a new roommate in my current apartment, or i'll live in a different apartment out of town for free.

i don't know much. i don't know if God revealed those things to me or not, but i do know that in 48 hours i'll be crying and alone as i sit in a gate at newark airport, and that i'll be boarding the plane for exactly where i want to go and where God wants me to go. if i run out of money, or if mom has a really bad spell of chemo, i'll head on back to manheim, absolutely devastated to say goodbye to my czech family. and then God will provide for me again.

i'm not the only sinner who's struggled with God. in fact, God named his chosen nation Israel which means "struggles with God." for some reason, this God of grace continues to pull me towards him, even after my shouting spells and anger issues and struggling.

the best thing

3 short stories.

setting: english camp, the night that the gospel has been shared. the students are walking around a "labyrinth," going to different stations which make them think and answer questions.
i'm sitting in a room which the students can choose to enter or to ignore. if they choose to come in, it's because they're acknowledging some sort of guilt/shame in their lives. if they enter the room, they're holding a plastic cut-out of a man who is dirty, and they hand the piece to me. i symbolically wash the sin/dirt away, comparing it to how Christ has washed away our sin.

character 1: independent young woman, introspective, full of questions, knows the gospel but believes God doesn't love her

character 2: a girl who loves science and believes the big bang, but has come to youth group and Bible study for a year

character 3: a young man who's helped leading the youth group, attended Bible studies, but still has lots of questions about God


i'd been praying for a few girls throughout the year, and for some new faces i'd met at English camp. all these faces i loved and desperately wanted them to accept Christ. that special night, the gospel night, i was praying and hoping that each of those five girls that i was specifically praying for would enter the room. characters 1 and 2 belonged in my specific group.

character 1 was the first to walk through the labyrinth, and as i saw her reading the verses outside of the room where i was sitting, i prayed so much that she'd enter the room. i sadly watched her walk past the room without even looking in; what disappointment that my prayer hadn't been answered.

another girl on my prayer list walked up to the room, and then i watched her walk past. tears welled up in my eyes as i realized that these two girls who i loved were not going to acknowledge Christ that evening.

character 2 was next in line. i prayed and told myself that she HAD to come into that room. and she did. i washed her little plastic human, and we cried and held onto each other. both of us knew that she was taking a step.

then came character 3. he walked past the room. sigh of disappointment. but wait - he had come back and was looking in our room! he couldn't decide. i saw him walk past the room again, and then turn around, and then again one last time. someone from the youth group sat down and was talking with him. half an hour later, he entered the room and made the full decision. my eyes welled up with different tears, tears of joy, knowing that the BEST THING had just happened to character 3. he was a brother now.

then a different friend came and got me, and told me that character 1 really needed to see me downstairs. i found her, and she admitted to me that though she hadn't entered that room, she had chosen Christ. there were those tears again, and i hugged her and told her that this was the BEST THING. she was a sister now. and i took her back to that room, and i sat with her as she washed her own plastic human, showing how she had acknowledged that God had washed away her own sin and guilt.

and then i found character 2. i sat down and talked with her, and we talked about things that i didn't know were going on with her. and she told me that she was ready to take a big step this year, and that she wanted to find God this year. she's not a sister yet, but i rejoiced with her in her decision.

what a beautiful night.

confession

my times with God lately have been short. I haven't been spending time just listening, or delighting. I've only been asking and taking greedily without thanks.

Pray for me and my human, sinful heart.

guest post: robert santana

for the next couple weeks i get to share my apartment with some cool interns who are serving in czech for the summer by running 3 different terms of English camps. the first team arrived last week, and i enjoyed spending a few hours with them before i had to head back to prague. 

i shared with them about how God has led me here, and right away robert asked how he could help me. all of you readers know me, and you see my perspective on being here after having a 9-year long relationship with this country and some people. here's a sweet, fresh perspective on service, ministry, and life here.

this is robert's first time in europe, and what he thinks so far. thanks for your words and prayers, robert!



I first want to start off my name and background.  My name is Robert and I am 22 years old from southern California in the USA.  Currently, I am in my second week of my first mission trip out of the United States, and

Robert's picture (stolen from facebook!)

that is my first mission trip to the Czech Republic.  I have been experiencing so much and I will have much more to say in a second response.  

I will be staying the country for 2.5 months, but I have already met so many wonderful natives and missionaries.  Being able to see the constant need for the church and the call for workers has been a eye opener for me.  I had always assumed that there was no need in Europe, but my own assumption are incorrect.  I do want to note that these assumptions are from other Christians who have told me this, since I have only been a believer since I was 16.  So my history in the church is limited and I would note does not make me an expert on what I assume of the missional field.  

I have found it encouraging to see missionaries from part of the world.  I would even emphasis that these missionaries are young and willing to serve the call that God has been placing on their lives.  I am hoping to understand that call, but I truly do not understand at this moment.  Probably I am just an eyewitness to share with others back home.  Nevertheless, I just do not see missionaries trying to achieve their own goals, but they are consistent in wanting to raise native leaders.  The organization that I am currently with this summer is JosiahVenture and they have a unique way of evangelism, discipleship, and church training for the future youth of Europe.  Seeing one of my own team members being a native from the Czech Republic, has been a blessing for me.  She truly understands the culture much more than I do, yet she is thankful for JosiahVenture and the missionaries who have come throughout the years.

Now that is not to say that each year there are new set of missionaries.  I believe that having new missionaries each year is not really relational.  As a result of my own view of being relational in missions, I do want to let people know that missions is not an easy task.  It takes time, lots of time.  It takes building relationships.  It taking empathy, understanding and connection.  I do not know how this looks like since I am new to the missional field, but I have some idea since I am a Hispanic person that was called into faith at a Korean church.  Even after seven years, there is much that is needed to be seen on both parts.  Like me being a part of the local church I know I must tithe and be a part of my community.  Yet, for European culture that is somewhat different.  It is not known as much.  In fact, the church is needing much support from all angles.  Missionaries from need support.  A part of me wanted to help each individual, but I cannot.  I am limited and I am a college student who has much college debt to deal with.  

I do have much to say and here was a background of my thought process.  It is crazy huh?  I just want to share it much more deeper than that and my heart breaks for the fact there is a need.  If you know God is calling you for missions, go!!!  If you know God is calling you to support, support!!!  I have so much to learn and to process.  But above all I know I have much to pray for.  So please think twice, because I am realizing one thing here, missionaries and even natives thought more than twice about their decisions.  Heck they probably wrestled with God and still do.  Probably dealt with family, friends, jobs, finances, even their own lives.  It is amazing.  God's Kingdom is much bigger than we think.  Its much bigger than I can ever imagine.  I hope to respond once more after my first mission trip to just share my after thoughts.

-Thank you

grumpy morning prayer

my God, who gave me life today,

i want to do anything other than teach today. i know that there are other activities in the country that i would much rather be doing right now, and i am even putting off getting ready so that i don't have to scoot along to make conversation for 90 minutes and teach prepositions and what sports people like to play. please be a provider of grace and joy so i can make it through today, sharing with others a glimpse of the joy that is you in my heart. give me opportunities to share your grace with my students, and give me opportunites to love them amongst the grammar and my grumpiness.

My friend, Rachel wrote a blog post a couple weeks ago in which she was very vulnerable and open about different struggles she deals with and what's going on in her life. I was really thankful and refreshed even by how she didn't hide the crappy to appear as though she's got it all together.

Because let's be real. None of us have our lives together. Let me tell you some minor ways that Martha Stewart would consider me a failure:

I'm not rich enough to hire someone to make my bed for me, so my bed remains a mess every single day. In fact, the whole apartment remains a mess until one of us feels like cleaning. We have little dust bunnies in the corners that sometimes freak me out. We don't have a vacuum, so there's almost a layer of red hair in my bedroom carpet. actually, there's a layer of mess (clothes, books, tissues), and under that layer is a layer of red hair. 

I own almost nothing of my own in this apartment...all the big furniture was given to us, and I've only bought a few decorations and kitchen things that are mine. 

I owe thousands of dollars of debt due to two pieces of paper that say Bachelors of Science and Master of Arts. And oops...those pieces of paper are buried in that mess of my bedroom and probably covered with dust bunnies and red hair.

It gets bigger than this, and I'm saying all of this not to complain or to make you feel bad for me. I say this because I don't ever want to fall into the trap of putting on a front. I want people to know that without the grace of God in my life every day, and without realizing it every day, I would literally be a heap of tears just melting away on the floor. And some days that's a reality.

So what do I really struggle with as a single girl living in a foreign country, attempting to serve God? None of you want to read a list that long, so I'll only name a few things :)

I went through a tough spell a couple months ago where I felt unneeded and unloved. A couple specific mornings I could barely crawl out of bed, and when I did I spent the rest of the day crying and canceling anything I was supposed to do that day. God pulled me out of that tough spot, but I have no doubt I could have another smidge of depressing moments. 

I struggle with singleness. Of my seven greatest high school friends, they each, in birth order, started dating guys and are either married to them or in a serious relationship with them. And me? I was skipped over in that birth order thing.  I'm 26, and I've witnessed a lot of my good friends fall in love and marry great people. sometimes i feel like God will never answer this prayer. and when i'm not seeking his face daily (hourly), i can begin to idolize my future and ignore my present.

my lifelong struggle has been seeking God. he calls us to give our bodies as a living and holy sacrifice which is acceptable and pleasing to God. that's not an easy thing to do for a self-reliant human. this was a struggle in high school, it was a struggle in college, and it remains a struggle now. it's easy to live life without God, but that doesn't satisfy my soul. i've gone through times of shouting out to God, repeatedly asking him to satisfy me, and to help me to be pleasing to him.

these are my realities, my tragedies, my things that keep me from God and boldly proclaiming his name. and yet these are the things that allow me to see his grace.