additional deep thought:

in reading through exodus recently, i've been thinking more about God's character that's exuded in these chapters.

he gave extremely specific instructions on building the tabernacle. aaron had to wear bells when he approached the holiest of holies so that God would be aware of him approaching. priests would have to wear ropes around their waists in case they died in the presence of God. what makes us think that if that was how He was to be approached then that we shouldn't be more serious about approaching him now? i throw up a prayer when i remember to. maybe i should be spending time on my knees in his holy presence.

when Jesus died, the veil was torn. we no longer need a priest to intercede for us, we can go straight to God. the Holy Spirit is now in us, not on us. but God is the same now as He was then. if we look at how Jesus prayed, He would generally seclude himself. He made time to spend with God. He spent forty days praying and fasting! i can't spend forty minutes.

think about death. what do we as humans think is worthy of death? the only crime that is ever punished with death is that of murder.

but God had people killed because they turned from him; they broke their covenant with him and instead worshiped a calf. that's pretty intense. turning from God deserves death.

father's day weekend

lots of eating, lots of fun.

friday eve:

-$5 haircut with tessa (still not sure if i like it, but haven't had much opportunity to wear it down)

-$3 dinner (french baguette and butter, half an apple)

-collecting seed packets at gain warehouse to be sent to zambia (totally purposeful and pretty fun hanging out with new friends while running around a table in competition to see who could collect the most the fastest while attempting to move stealthily around slower volunteers)

-maggie's house-sitting house (sitting amongst people i don't know while completely zoning out: not quite as priceless)

saturday eve:

-$50 dinner at caraba's with the fam (really good food, though i stuffed myself on bread and consequently took home a bunch of leftovers. also recounted the parents excitement/lack thereof in becoming parents 30 years ago)

sunday eve:

-nap (amazing. and very much needed)

-sushi at mojo for maggie's birthday (the sushi was amazing as usual, and the company was tons of fun. we had a private room and made more noise than the rest of the restaurant altogether. unfortunately i managed to spill teriyaki sauce all over maggie's brother's phone while attempting to be funny)

-megamind with maggie (a really funny movie which would've been funnier had i not been half asleep)

and thus the weekend is behind me.

tomorrow entails wearing sunscreen, consigning clothing, and painting the deck. i love manual labor.

i remember when i interned in czech we spent a day working at a family's farm. we did hard work in the hot sun, but it was so refreshing to be actually physical (and outdoors) again after a lot of traveling, visiting, and meeting new people.

i've been all sorts of nostalgic lately about czech, perhaps because i'm returning. i was consciously attempting to remember bunches of memories from interning by reading my old journals and blog entries and checking out facebook pictures. what great community that provided.

so sentimental.

conversations with God

i love working with michael; i don't like having two jobs, and i'm getting a little too old to continue living at home. so i've been looking for other jobs all over the place unsuccessfully.

a couple weeks ago a great friend called and told me she was moving to thailand! i was completely ecstatic for her, though at the same time i started thinking that that's what i want to do. i hadn't really been looking into overseas teaching because they mostly require that you raise support. but some of these positions not only paid you enough to live locally, they assisted with your debt repayment! perfect! so of course i started making a profile immediately, getting a little caught up in the moment.

but i started praying. too often i make decisions and feel that because it worked out that it was God's will. for this choice i wanted to make sure it was what God wanted me to do. and i just wasn't feeling that peace. i really wanted to press the button to apply for those jobs, but stopped just in time.

moving overseas is such a great desire of mine. why would God not want me to move when i'd be doing his work?

so i talked to God about it, asking him the same question. but the question that i was then asked was what i would be willing to sacrifice in order to remain faithful to God. would i give up getting married? would i surrender moving overseas and stay in america if that's what God asked of me?

i would. though it kind of sucks. and i'm not sure that God will ask these things of me, but i will remain faithful if He does.

still the question of the future remains. all God asks of me is to trust him. pray that i will!

oh the drama

so several thoughts this time.

in the last couple days i've been getting really concerned about my future and disheartened with my present. i had a bit of a meltdown, though after reading some of exodus i was comforted by how God continued to provide for the Israelites though they kept complaining.

and then i had my great friends comfort me, and one told me that i was being too martha about the situation. i wasn't choosing to sit at Jesus' feet as mary did and take comfort in his presence and his peace.

then tonight i read this:

The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent. (Ex. 14:14)

wow...my problem is not my problem. God will fight this battle for me.

and then there's my dramatic response to the whole situation. i always get annoyed with how Moses and David are a bit dramatic when things aren't going their way, but i do the same. i get all emotional and cry out to God, thinking that i have to work things out by myself.

finally, the biggest opposition to the gospel isn't the atheist, it's the apathetic. this i've always known - it's the person who says that he believes in God but is content with his life and therefore doesn't want to change it to follow how God commands us to live life. and that really sucks.

and this is again how the Israelites were! when the pharoah chases them to the Red Sea after they depart (and many other times in the desert), they say it would've been better to stay in Egypt where at least they got food (though they were slaves) than to serve and sacrifice to their Lord in the wilderness. they didn't care about his glory, they were more concerned with their lives. they somehow chose to ignore his miraculous signs again and again and wanted to live their lives in ease and comfort rather than choose to follow their Creator.

"sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."

God shows in Exodus how it was hard to follow him - it meant going without water and food for days. yet God promised them great things.

ugh apathy. it is my enemy.

isaiah 65:17-20

¹⁷"For behold, I create new heavens
and a new earth,
and the former things shall not be remembered
or come into mind.
¹⁸But be glad and rejoice forever
in that which I create;
for behold, I create Jerusalem to be a joy,
and her people to be a gladness.
¹⁹I will rejoice in Jerusalem
and be glad in my people;
no more shall be heard in it the sound of weeping
and the cry of distress.
²⁰No more shall there be in it
an infant who lives but a few days,
or an old man who does not fill out his days,
for the young man shall die a hundred years old,
and the sinner a hundred years old shall be accursed.

it's incredibly sad, shocking really, for an infant to die after 6 weeks with his parents, or for a 23 year-old to die after battling cancer for a year. but God promises newness - the hope of new heavens and new earth; the promise that we will be new creations in him.

God is the end.

my friend maggie has repeated something in conversation with me a couple times recently. a verbal processor, she can word things much better than i can. this is what she said:

God is not the means to a good end, He is the end.

my church, as much as i love it, i don't believe has done a good job of honing in on this truth. too often Christians believe that being a believer means that God will bless you with a good life - a steady job and income, a cute family, and a white picket fence. but i'm not sure that God intends this of us. Christ intends that we be his fully devoted followers, and that definitely entails sacrifice. every single one of Christ's true followers in the New Testament had to sacrifice something in order to follow him and obey him. most of his disciples traveled around proclaiming the gospel; many of them were imprisoned. all of them GAVE to the needy. i don't think any of them really had the white picket fence of their time.

believing the gospel and following Christ - in its entirety requires a sacrifice.

what i'm not saying is that every Christian should move to a different country and become a missionary, but i am saying that you should be missional at home, you should support other Christians, and you should give what you can do those who don't have what you do.

i also am not saying that you have to enter into ministry to fully serve God. whatever your career is, you serve God through diligence.

but at the end of your life when you enter Jesus' arms, he won't say, "way to be career-minded and have an awesome car!" all that matters is what concerns him.

Jesus is not the means to a good end, He is the end.

though hypocrite that i am, i realize and even understand this and have a hard time doing it. prayers for me please!